


where stillness was the only sound

by LailaLiquorice



Category: Six - Marlow/Moss
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Dissociation, Established Relationship, F/F, Fainting, Family Feels, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Panic Attacks, anne is an actual angel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 06:51:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19865326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LailaLiquorice/pseuds/LailaLiquorice
Summary: Being ‘the first queen’ gave Catherine of Aragon a reputation she felt she had to uphold. But Anne is there to catch her when everything spirals out of control.





	where stillness was the only sound

Being ‘the first queen’ gave Catherine of Aragon a reputation she felt she had to uphold. To their audience she was the cool and collected one; always sure of herself, always knowing her place and fighting to keep it whatever it took. Even among the other queens she was the one with the greatest amount of dignity left (because after all the shenanigans they’d seen each other through none of them had much dignity remaining with each other), the calm head in a crisis when even Jane lost her composure, the one they could always count on to keep them together in the face of criticism.

And that weighed heavily on her. She could feel the physical burden of their trust in her at the end of a weary day, in the pulsing headaches and tense shoulders she was often plagued by. It felt as though she was living a lie, that she didn’t deserve to have that trust placed in her because they didn’t know how she felt on the inside. How the walls of her exterior were kept up by the thinnest of foundations, how the cracks in her mask were hidden so well that no-one would ever notice them.

Because she couldn’t let anyone notice them. Couldn’t let even her sisters know that she, Catherine of Aragon, was really the weakest of them all. Because then they’d realise if she couldn’t be who they needed her to be then she had no worth to them anymore, and she’d be left alone again.

She never looked forward to the nights where she had a random show off, because then she was left sat at home knowing that her queens were doing just fine without her being there. She would always try to keep herself busy and her mind occupied by any means she possibly could; watching several episodes of an engaging TV show in a row, cooking a complicated meal for the queens before they returned, attempting to clean the entire house from top to bottom, pulling every single weed out of the garden flowerbed. Anything that distracted her mind from spiralling without anyone there to save her.

But sometimes, sometimes, it still wasn’t enough.

The first sign was always that disconnected feeling in her chest, as if she was floating outside her spaceship and her lifeline had just snapped. Then the weightless feeling in her limbs that always accompanied it, the trembling of her hands and shakiness of her knees that persisted even as she tried to force her way through it. Her tunnel vision as her peripheral blurred just slightly, making her feel as if she was falling helplessly through space and couldn’t grab onto anything to save her.

She gritted her teeth and forced herself to focus on cutting vegetables for the curry she was making. “You’re not doing this now,” she told herself through gritted teeth as her slices became less uniform and more jagged with how her hand shook holding the knife.

Stern words to herself made no difference, and neither did her insistence that the tears streaming down her face were caused by cutting onions rather than the mess inside her head. She was forced to drop the knife and step away from the counter when her eyes became so blurred with panicked tears that she couldn’t see her hands anymore, jumping with a yelp when the knife grazed the tip of her thumb. She let out a shallow breath as she stumbled away from the counter, hands fluttering around her head as her shoulders hunched forwards.

It was only now that she’d completely given up on her distraction that the worst of her thoughts all came rushing in like a tide breaking the dam; what was she doing pretending she belonged? The other queens didn’t need her, they were getting on better without her and probably thinking about how much better the show was with one of the alternates playing her part. They didn’t need her.

And if they saw her like this then they’d finally realise that.

A sob ripped from her throat, and as she sunk to her knees she clamped her hands over her mouth to stifle it even though there was no-one there to hear her. She had no right to be upset, it was just what she deserved. She’d come off lightly compared to some of the other queens, she had no right to stand beside them and tell her story when they had suffered so much more than she had. She had no right to be with Anne when Catherine had had exactly what she’d been robbed of; a peaceful escape from her marriage and time with her daughter. Hot shame coiled in her stomach as she wondered how Anne could bear to even look at her.

Her hands shook violently now that she had nothing in her hands to curb her trembling. Without the physical contact of anything except the ground beneath her she felt even more untethered than before, and she dragged her nails down her forearms in a desperate attempt to ground herself again.

When it didn’t work she dug them harder into her skin, only dimly registering the pain at the back of her panicked mind but seizing the feeling as something to focus on through her dissociative haze. Black spots danced across her vision as her breathing became harsher and shallower, lungs screaming for air, but she couldn’t slow the heaving of her chest to draw in enough oxygen.

True fear flitted across her mind as she realised she really couldn’t breathe.

And that was her last thought before her vision blurred, pitching over sideways as the lack of air became too much and she passed out.

* * *

She didn’t hear the other queens coming through the door a few minutes later, or Kat’s scream when she was the first to see Catherine collapsed on the kitchen floor. She didn’t hear Cathy’s shaking voice as she stared at her godmother and asked if she should call an ambulance. She didn’t hear Anne calling her name as she crouched down beside her, asking the other queens to give them space as she tried to bring her round first.

The first sensation she became aware of was the gentle fingers on her forehead, brushing a few errant curls from her sweat-slicked skin. Then the hand gripping onto hers tightly as if someone was trying to physically drag her back into consciousness.

“Catalina? Catalina, love, can you hear me?”

Catherine let out a tiny groan as she opened one eye a fraction to see Anne’s worried face leaning over her.

“You’re ok Catalina, I’m here and you’re ok. Just breathe for me sweetheart, that’s all that matters.”

For a minute or two Catherine just complied with her request, letting her aching chest rise and fall slowly as she became more aware of her surroundings. The hard kitchen floor beneath her, the gentle touch of Anne’s hand on her stomach, the stinging pain down her arms. At that realisation she turned her head a little and noticed the long red marks stretching down both forearms from where she’d scratched her skin raw.

When the remnants of her previous panic came flooding back she closed her eyes and attempted to curl in on herself again from her sprawled position, hating how weak she felt in front of her girlfriend and trying to make herself as small as possible. A light tap on her cheekbone stopped her though as Anne’s voice said “Nuh-uh, no sleeping again you. You’ve got to stay awake or Cathy’s gonna call an ambulance.”

Her dislike of that idea overrode her crushing anxiety for a moment, and she forced herself to nod as she pushed herself up with one arm. Anne’s hands moved to help her sit up slowly, murmuring a quiet “You alright?” when Catherine winced just slightly as her head spun. She almost slumped over again when she realised she had no energy left to support herself alone, but Anne quickly wrapped an arm around her shoulders to guide her into her side when she noticed Catherine’s eyelids fluttering again.

“Sorry,” Catherine croaked out, tears pooling in her eyes.

Anne shushed her gently, taking her hand again and squeezing lightly. “You’ve got nothing to be sorry about babes, all I care about is that you’re ok.”

Catherine shook her head frantically, breath hitching as she began to cry again. “But I’m so pathetic,” she whispered, “you all look up to me so much but I’m not strong like you think I am, I’m just weak and pathetic. And now you’ve seen that everyone’s just going to leave me again and- and-“

“Catherine stop,” Anne interrupted her firmly, grabbing Catherine’s hands from where she’d started scratching at her wrists again without even realising it. “This doesn’t make you weak at all. You’ve got so many demons but you’re still so confident and amazing and you don’t let them get to you. That doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re stronger than ever.”

“I’m not,” she insisted in a fragile voice, her tears falling faster in the face of Anne’s protests. Her body was too exhausted for the shuddering sobs she could feel building, but her shoulders still shook as she started to hyperventilate again.

Anne adjusted Catherine slightly so she was leaning with her head against Anne’s chest, and Catherine hiccupped in a desperate attempt to calm her racing breaths as Anne wrapped one arm around her shoulders and buried the other hand in her hair. “I’ve got you babes,” Anne said softly, gently massaging where she knew Catherine’s tension headache would be bothering her, and the sheer lack of judgement in her voice was enough for Catherine to give up on trying to pull her mask back on and cry openly into Anne’s chest. “I love you so much and I don’t care that you’re not perfect. You don’t have to keep hiding away, you can talk to me about what you’re feeling.”

Catherine’s face crumpled as fresh tears spilled down her cheeks, giving a tiny shake of her head as she sniffed. “I can’t,” she whimpered.

“You can,” Anne insisted. “We’re not gonna hold it against you or anything. We’re not gonna be annoyed at you if you’re having an off day, and we’re not gonna abandon you if you make a mistake. I know it’s scary but we’d rather you be honest than perfect.”

She watched Anne through wide eyes as she cupped Catherine’s cheek and finished with “Because that’s the you who we love.”

Smiling shallowly, Catherine’s eyes slipped shut as she leaned her head into Anne’s palm. “Thank you,” she breathed out quietly, hoping that Anne knew how gratitude she was really conveying in those two short words.

“It’s what I’m here for,” Anne replied, and Catherine felt the rest of the tension leave her spine as Anne gently kissed her forehead. “D’you wanna go upstairs and rest for a bit?” she asked.

Catherine considered for a moment. Her limbs felt like lead and with the post-panic exhaustion tugging at her mind she knew that she wasn’t going to last long before she fell asleep. But Anne’s words continued to ring in her mind, and for possibly the first time she didn’t think she wanted to be alone in her vulnerable state at that moment. She shook her head, hesitating a moment longer before she mumbled “I want to stay with everyone.”

As Anne kissed her brow again Catherine could physically feel the beaming smile on her face. “I think everyone’d love that,” she said with so much love in her voice, hugging Catherine closer for a moment before calling out “Jane, can you come in here for a mo?” towards the kitchen door.

The sound of footsteps approaching them made Catherine tense a little, but she managed to look up into Jane’s concerned eyes rather than just hide in Anne’s embrace. “Hello love, how are you feeling? You had us all worried for a minute there,” Jane said with a gentle smile, reaching out to stroke Catherine’s hair.

“I’m ok now,” Catherine said with as much conviction as she could manage, which was very little since her voice still sounded terribly quiet and fragile.

Anne gave her a proud grin which made Catherine smile in return, before looking up at Jane and asking “Can you help me get her into the living room? I don’t think I can take her weight by myself.”

“Course I can, love.”

Between the two of them, Anne and Jane managed to get Catherine up onto her feet with her weight almost completely shared between the two of them. Catherine’s knees threatened to buckle when she tried to stand unsupported so she was happy to let her friends lend her their strength, too drained from her anxiety attack and blackout to do anything else. With slow steps they managed to make their way into the living room where Cathy, Anna, and Kat were waiting for them, all of them wearing relieved smiles when Catherine managed to reassure them she was ok.

Catherine didn’t say a lot as she curled back into Anne’s side on the sofa, watching through tired eyes as Jane and Cathy finished the dinner while Anna and Kat distracted her with meaningless chatter. Her stomach was too unsettled to eat much but she managed to eat a few bites with Anne’s encouragement, and she smiled tearfully at Jane’s praise that she’d done really well. When Jane brought in the first aid kit she and Kat took an arm each and rubbed antiseptic cream into the scratches down her arms, no hint of judgement in their faces when Catherine managed look up at them.

It was a feeling she was unaccustomed to, being the one looked after for once when she usually looked out for them all, but she was tired enough to not only accept it willingly but admit it was nice.

It wasn’t long later before her eyelids started to flutter closed again as her exhaustion became too much for her. But this time she had her girlfriend’s warm body beneath her head rather than the cold unforgiving floor, and her friends surrounding her rather than a lonely kitchen. Their voices became muffled and the warm lighting dimmed into darkness as she fell asleep in Anne’s arms.

Anne glanced down from her conversation with Anna when she felt Catherine’s head slump onto her chest again, adjusting her arms a little to hold her as she slept. Even though they still had a long way to go, it was a comfort to know that Catherine could let her walls down and sleep soundly with the knowledge that she had a support network around her this time round. And they would always stand by her side when she wobbled and catch her when she fell.

**Author's Note:**

> So technically its not meant to work this way round but here’s my birthday present to you all: happy birthday to me, enjoy some aralyn angst!! I really enjoyed writing this because I love exploring Aragon’s vulnerable side, she has so much lingering anxiety from how she was treated in her old life and I love seeing the other queens being there to support her for a change.
> 
> I'm lailaliquorice on tumblr :)


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